Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Granny Panty Polarization

I believe the saying is: you should always wear clean underwear, just in case you are in an accident.  Yeah, that needs to be amended.  I think the more appropriate version is: you should always wear ATTRACTIVE clean underwear, just in case you end up with your skirt around your ears.  What, it happens.  More than you think.

A few years ago, I travelled to Paris for the first time.  I was super excited to be there, albeit rather tired after a 9 hour time change and not having slept on the flight.  Now, my travelling companion was a rather stylish gay man, who insisted I be just as stylish when we were out and walking around.  That was all well and good, but I was tired and dealing with major muscle cramps, so under the sundress he picked out for me, I was wearing the most comfortable undergarments I had.  Why is it the most comfortable underwear is always the most unattractive?  Not that I thought anyone would be seeing them.  I mean, I was going to be walking around in Paris, doing the whole tourist thing. Who could possible end up seeing them?  Turns out, everyone.  There was one thing I hadn't accounted for.  On Paris sidewalks, there are many, many grates that have hot air blowing up through them.  So there I was, walking along, looking at everything, when all of a sudden, WHOOSH! My dress was instantly up around my ears, showing off everything from the waist down.  I finally managed to bat my dress down and get off the grate, and looked around, hoping no one had seen.  No such luck.  There were large groups of people coming down the sidewalk in both directions.  What could I do?  I threw my arms out, spun around and yelled "Bonjour Paris!".

A couple of years after that, I was preparing for my first Ballroom competition.  Part of that preparation was making sure I had the proper attire, so I spent a good deal of time reading the dress code, and shopping for an appropriate dress.  I finally settled on a red, 8-way convertible dress.  I thought it was a brilliant idea, seeing as I could style it long for Standard and short for Latin.  I also had to go shopping for "appropriate" undergarments.  According to dress code regulations, undergarments had to be "full coverage" and "an appropriate colour for the dress".  Which in my case equated to red granny panties.  So, the day before the competition, all of the students involved did a showcase at the Friday night drop in class, just so we could get a sense of what it would be like to dance for a crowd.  The Standard section went well; my partner and I performed our two dances without incident.  I ended up with about a minute and a half in between the Standard and Latin sections, so I raced to the bathroom and restyled my dress in a shorter fashion.  Had I been smart, I would have taken two seconds to do a "spin test", which would have saved me infinite embarrassment.  However, I wanted to make sure I was back in time, so I skipped that step.  My partner and I took the floor once again, the cha cha music came up, and we went into our routine.  Which opened with a New York.  Which left me facing the mirror.  Just in time to see my skirt swing up high enough for everyone to get a great glimpse of my stockings and garters.  Smile in place, I kept dancing, knowing full well that the next move was a spin.  My skirt flew out in every direction, giving the entire audience a great view of my bright red granny panties.  Things did not improve when we moved on to the Jive.  Apparently the Universe didn't think I had been embarrassed enough that night, as when I was reviewing my performance with my instructor, I acknowledged that the shorter styling of the dress didn't work out so well, and he said "Yeah, you were showing, well, everything.  Not that I minded."  I'm not sure what was more red at that point - my face or my dress.

Life Lesson: Always, always, always wear your most attractive underwear.  You never know when you are going to get caught with your pants down, or in my case, your skirt up! 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Donkey/Lightsaber Renormalization

I have some rather interesting students.  Yes, yes, that is the best way to put it.  One of the most colourful characters I have ever taught is Sean.

One day, Sean was starting on an essay, and was rambling, as he has a tendency to do when he wants to figure a topic out.  Everyone around him was looking increasingly confused, so I tried to help them out by explaining Sean's thought processes.  Most people go A...B...C, logical, sequential, and understandable.  Sean, on the other hand, goes A...Q...Donkey...9...Lightsaber...H.

Everyone got a good laugh out of that one, including Sean, and got back to work.  A little while later, Sean had got his thoughts together into a cohesive thesis statement.  He looked at me, grinned, and said "Tara, all the donkeys and lightsabers are gone!"


Life Lesson: Lightsaber wielding donkey sith lords may hold you back, but they can be vanquished!

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Red Sock Formulation

I have been wearing red socks all my life.  I'm also not what you would call conventional.  It was only recently that I was informed that, apparently, these two things go hand in hand.

One day, late this summer, I was at Expo Latino, helping with promo work for a dance company.  I was out in the crowd, handing out fliers, when Rick came by to chat.  At this point in time, Ryan stopped by to chat as well.  (As a side note, Rick and Ryan together make way to much delicious man meat for one woman to handle.  Seriously, I think my IQ dropped about 20 points standing between them.)

That particular day, Rick was wearing a pink shirt.  Not a bright or vibrant pink, more a pink so pale it looks like a white shirt got caught in the wash with a red sock.  Which is what Ryan told him.  "Yeah, but I don't own any red socks" Rick replied.  "I don't know anyone who owns red socks," Ryan added.

I eyed a both of them and declared, "I wear red socks!".  Rick looked at me and said "Yes, but Tara, normal people don't wear red socks."

So there you go.

Life Lesson: Apparently a love of vibrant footwear indicates a propensity for being weird.  Who knew?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Safety Tub Anomoly

Recently, I made a trip down east to visit my godfather.  He lives in a retirement residence, and visitors can book rooms to stay in.  The room I was staying in had tub designed for people with limited mobility.  A little intimidating at first, given that the control panel was more complicated than my cell phone, but I found the instructions and was soon enjoying myself.

Now, the tub was the type that you had to sit down in, so I was.  But, partway in, I realized I was perched on the seat, not really reclining and relaxing.  So, I decided to try and get more comfortable.  By my logic, the wet seat would be slippery, and with just a little push, I would slide down it to a more comfortable position. 

Turns out, my logic was flawed - it wasn't the seat that was slippery, it was the bottom of the tub that was.  I pushed back, and out went my feet from underneath me.  My butt slammed down on the seat, bruising my tailbone and jolting my previously injured ribs, and my foot made contact with the faucet, slicing it open.

Surveying the damage, I had to chuckle.  Only I could manage such a grand injury in a tub designed to prevent accidents.

Life Lesson: Irony. It will get you.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

This Sibling Decoupling

For whatever reason, the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It" became very popular at my school this year.

Now, there is a certain pair of brothers at my school. One 10 years old, a little more quiet, a nice kid, but fairly reserved off of the sports field and shy with people he doesn't know, and one 7 years old, generally more outgoing, the class clown, always with something to say.  Both of their reactions to the song came as a complete surprise to me.

One day in Drama class, the older brother and one of the other grade 4 boys were asked to get out some chairs for a game.  The teacher had his back turned, and heard a sudden outburst of laughter from the rest of the class.  He turned around and saw the boys up on the chairs, singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It" and doing the 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' dance.

A while later, I overheard a conversation between the younger brother and his gym teacher, Cali.  "Cali," he said, "have you seen the video for 'I'm Sexy and I Know It'?"  Cali told him she had, and with all seriousness he looked at her and said "You shouldn't be watching it.  It is VERY inappropriate."  A little taken aback, Cali asked him why the video was in appropriate.  He said "There's this guy who is dancing, and then he takes his pants off, and he's just in his underwear, and his crotch is really big, and that makes it inappropriate".  At this point, his friend (always the voice of reason) piped up and said "Well, maybe there's a potato in there".

Life Lesson: People can, and will, surprise you.     

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Independence Amplification

Recently, one fine Saturday morning, I was getting ready for a good friend's bridal shower.  It was a warm morning, and I had left my patio door open to get a nice breeze through my place.  I stepped out of the shower, wrapped up in a towel and went to grab some clothes.

It was at that point that I realized something was off.  There was a magpie in my apartment.  It was flopping around, squawking and pooping everywhere.  What a casual observer would have seen was me calmly wait until it settled down, pick up one of my kitchen towels, walk over and use it to grab the bird and take it outside where I flung it over the balcony and it flew away.

My mental processes, however, went something like "What the HELL!  Why don't I have a man here to handle this!  I should be calmly getting ready lovely bridal shower, not running around my apartment naked, trying to capture a frickin' bird!"

Life Lesson: Sometimes life asks us to stand up and prove ourselves, be it in the face of adversity, turmoil, or sometimes random birds.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Perception Deviation

A couple of years ago my parents moved out to the Island.  There were a couple of months between when they moved out there an when I was planning on visiting them, and during that time we phoned each other regularly. 

Every time I spoke with my mom, she was telling me about all the great things I just had to see and do when I went out there, all the places we had to eat at. And, she was supper excited about the fresh fish, particularly a new type she had seen advertised but never tried, the inat fish.  Apparently, there was a sign my parents drove by regularly that advertised what fish would be for sale when the boats came in and inat was always listed, and it was only five dollars a pound.

That summer I finally made it out to the Island.  The second day I was there we drove by the fish sign I had heard so much about, and there it was, inat.  Only when I looked at the sign, I didn't see what my mom saw.  Instead of inat fish for sale for five dollars, I read it as "In At 5:00".  The famous inat fish for five dollars, was actually the time the boats would be in at, in this case 5:00 o'clock.

Life Lesson: Not everyone sees things the same way.