I believe the saying is: you should always wear clean underwear, just in case you are in an accident. Yeah, that needs to be amended. I think the more appropriate version is: you should always wear ATTRACTIVE clean underwear, just in case you end up with your skirt around your ears. What, it happens. More than you think.
A few years ago, I travelled to Paris for the first time. I was super excited to be there, albeit rather tired after a 9 hour time change and not having slept on the flight. Now, my travelling companion was a rather stylish gay man, who insisted I be just as stylish when we were out and walking around. That was all well and good, but I was tired and dealing with major muscle cramps, so under the sundress he picked out for me, I was wearing the most comfortable undergarments I had. Why is it the most comfortable underwear is always the most unattractive? Not that I thought anyone would be seeing them. I mean, I was going to be walking around in Paris, doing the whole tourist thing. Who could possible end up seeing them? Turns out, everyone. There was one thing I hadn't accounted for. On Paris sidewalks, there are many, many grates that have hot air blowing up through them. So there I was, walking along, looking at everything, when all of a sudden, WHOOSH! My dress was instantly up around my ears, showing off everything from the waist down. I finally managed to bat my dress down and get off the grate, and looked around, hoping no one had seen. No such luck. There were large groups of people coming down the sidewalk in both directions. What could I do? I threw my arms out, spun around and yelled "Bonjour Paris!".
A couple of years after that, I was preparing for my first Ballroom competition. Part of that preparation was making sure I had the proper attire, so I spent a good deal of time reading the dress code, and shopping for an appropriate dress. I finally settled on a red, 8-way convertible dress. I thought it was a brilliant idea, seeing as I could style it long for Standard and short for Latin. I also had to go shopping for "appropriate" undergarments. According to dress code regulations, undergarments had to be "full coverage" and "an appropriate colour for the dress". Which in my case equated to red granny panties. So, the day before the competition, all of the students involved did a showcase at the Friday night drop in class, just so we could get a sense of what it would be like to dance for a crowd. The Standard section went well; my partner and I performed our two dances without incident. I ended up with about a minute and a half in between the Standard and Latin sections, so I raced to the bathroom and restyled my dress in a shorter fashion. Had I been smart, I would have taken two seconds to do a "spin test", which would have saved me infinite embarrassment. However, I wanted to make sure I was back in time, so I skipped that step. My partner and I took the floor once again, the cha cha music came up, and we went into our routine. Which opened with a New York. Which left me facing the mirror. Just in time to see my skirt swing up high enough for everyone to get a great glimpse of my stockings and garters. Smile in place, I kept dancing, knowing full well that the next move was a spin. My skirt flew out in every direction, giving the entire audience a great view of my bright red granny panties. Things did not improve when we moved on to the Jive. Apparently the Universe didn't think I had been embarrassed enough that night, as when I was reviewing my performance with my instructor, I acknowledged that the shorter styling of the dress didn't work out so well, and he said "Yeah, you were showing, well, everything. Not that I minded." I'm not sure what was more red at that point - my face or my dress.
Life Lesson: Always, always, always wear your most attractive underwear. You never know when you are going to get caught with your pants down, or in my case, your skirt up!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Donkey/Lightsaber Renormalization
I have some rather interesting students. Yes, yes, that is the best way to put it. One of the most colourful characters I have ever taught is Sean.
One day, Sean was starting on an essay, and was rambling, as he has a tendency to do when he wants to figure a topic out. Everyone around him was looking increasingly confused, so I tried to help them out by explaining Sean's thought processes. Most people go A...B...C, logical, sequential, and understandable. Sean, on the other hand, goes A...Q...Donkey...9...Lightsaber...H.
Everyone got a good laugh out of that one, including Sean, and got back to work. A little while later, Sean had got his thoughts together into a cohesive thesis statement. He looked at me, grinned, and said "Tara, all the donkeys and lightsabers are gone!"
Priceless.
Life Lesson: Lightsaber wielding donkey sith lords may hold you back, but they can be vanquished!
One day, Sean was starting on an essay, and was rambling, as he has a tendency to do when he wants to figure a topic out. Everyone around him was looking increasingly confused, so I tried to help them out by explaining Sean's thought processes. Most people go A...B...C, logical, sequential, and understandable. Sean, on the other hand, goes A...Q...Donkey...9...Lightsaber...H.
Everyone got a good laugh out of that one, including Sean, and got back to work. A little while later, Sean had got his thoughts together into a cohesive thesis statement. He looked at me, grinned, and said "Tara, all the donkeys and lightsabers are gone!"
Priceless.
Life Lesson: Lightsaber wielding donkey sith lords may hold you back, but they can be vanquished!
Friday, September 28, 2012
The Red Sock Formulation
I have been wearing red socks all my life. I'm also not what you would call conventional. It was only recently that I was informed that, apparently, these two things go hand in hand.
One day, late this summer, I was at Expo Latino, helping with promo work for a dance company. I was out in the crowd, handing out fliers, when Rick came by to chat. At this point in time, Ryan stopped by to chat as well. (As a side note, Rick and Ryan together make way to much delicious man meat for one woman to handle. Seriously, I think my IQ dropped about 20 points standing between them.)
That particular day, Rick was wearing a pink shirt. Not a bright or vibrant pink, more a pink so pale it looks like a white shirt got caught in the wash with a red sock. Which is what Ryan told him. "Yeah, but I don't own any red socks" Rick replied. "I don't know anyone who owns red socks," Ryan added.
I eyed a both of them and declared, "I wear red socks!". Rick looked at me and said "Yes, but Tara, normal people don't wear red socks."
So there you go.
Life Lesson: Apparently a love of vibrant footwear indicates a propensity for being weird. Who knew?
One day, late this summer, I was at Expo Latino, helping with promo work for a dance company. I was out in the crowd, handing out fliers, when Rick came by to chat. At this point in time, Ryan stopped by to chat as well. (As a side note, Rick and Ryan together make way to much delicious man meat for one woman to handle. Seriously, I think my IQ dropped about 20 points standing between them.)
That particular day, Rick was wearing a pink shirt. Not a bright or vibrant pink, more a pink so pale it looks like a white shirt got caught in the wash with a red sock. Which is what Ryan told him. "Yeah, but I don't own any red socks" Rick replied. "I don't know anyone who owns red socks," Ryan added.
I eyed a both of them and declared, "I wear red socks!". Rick looked at me and said "Yes, but Tara, normal people don't wear red socks."
So there you go.
Life Lesson: Apparently a love of vibrant footwear indicates a propensity for being weird. Who knew?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Safety Tub Anomoly
Recently, I made a trip down east to visit my godfather. He lives in a retirement residence, and visitors can book rooms to stay in. The room I was staying in had tub designed for people with limited mobility. A little intimidating at first, given that the control panel was more complicated than my cell phone, but I found the instructions and was soon enjoying myself.
Now, the tub was the type that you had to sit down in, so I was. But, partway in, I realized I was perched on the seat, not really reclining and relaxing. So, I decided to try and get more comfortable. By my logic, the wet seat would be slippery, and with just a little push, I would slide down it to a more comfortable position.
Turns out, my logic was flawed - it wasn't the seat that was slippery, it was the bottom of the tub that was. I pushed back, and out went my feet from underneath me. My butt slammed down on the seat, bruising my tailbone and jolting my previously injured ribs, and my foot made contact with the faucet, slicing it open.
Surveying the damage, I had to chuckle. Only I could manage such a grand injury in a tub designed to prevent accidents.
Life Lesson: Irony. It will get you.
Now, the tub was the type that you had to sit down in, so I was. But, partway in, I realized I was perched on the seat, not really reclining and relaxing. So, I decided to try and get more comfortable. By my logic, the wet seat would be slippery, and with just a little push, I would slide down it to a more comfortable position.
Turns out, my logic was flawed - it wasn't the seat that was slippery, it was the bottom of the tub that was. I pushed back, and out went my feet from underneath me. My butt slammed down on the seat, bruising my tailbone and jolting my previously injured ribs, and my foot made contact with the faucet, slicing it open.
Surveying the damage, I had to chuckle. Only I could manage such a grand injury in a tub designed to prevent accidents.
Life Lesson: Irony. It will get you.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
This Sibling Decoupling
For whatever reason, the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It" became very popular at my school this year.
Now, there is a certain pair of brothers at my school. One 10 years old, a little more quiet, a nice kid, but fairly reserved off of the sports field and shy with people he doesn't know, and one 7 years old, generally more outgoing, the class clown, always with something to say. Both of their reactions to the song came as a complete surprise to me.
One day in Drama class, the older brother and one of the other grade 4 boys were asked to get out some chairs for a game. The teacher had his back turned, and heard a sudden outburst of laughter from the rest of the class. He turned around and saw the boys up on the chairs, singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It" and doing the 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' dance.
A while later, I overheard a conversation between the younger brother and his gym teacher, Cali. "Cali," he said, "have you seen the video for 'I'm Sexy and I Know It'?" Cali told him she had, and with all seriousness he looked at her and said "You shouldn't be watching it. It is VERY inappropriate." A little taken aback, Cali asked him why the video was in appropriate. He said "There's this guy who is dancing, and then he takes his pants off, and he's just in his underwear, and his crotch is really big, and that makes it inappropriate". At this point, his friend (always the voice of reason) piped up and said "Well, maybe there's a potato in there".
Life Lesson: People can, and will, surprise you.
Now, there is a certain pair of brothers at my school. One 10 years old, a little more quiet, a nice kid, but fairly reserved off of the sports field and shy with people he doesn't know, and one 7 years old, generally more outgoing, the class clown, always with something to say. Both of their reactions to the song came as a complete surprise to me.
One day in Drama class, the older brother and one of the other grade 4 boys were asked to get out some chairs for a game. The teacher had his back turned, and heard a sudden outburst of laughter from the rest of the class. He turned around and saw the boys up on the chairs, singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It" and doing the 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' dance.
A while later, I overheard a conversation between the younger brother and his gym teacher, Cali. "Cali," he said, "have you seen the video for 'I'm Sexy and I Know It'?" Cali told him she had, and with all seriousness he looked at her and said "You shouldn't be watching it. It is VERY inappropriate." A little taken aback, Cali asked him why the video was in appropriate. He said "There's this guy who is dancing, and then he takes his pants off, and he's just in his underwear, and his crotch is really big, and that makes it inappropriate". At this point, his friend (always the voice of reason) piped up and said "Well, maybe there's a potato in there".
Life Lesson: People can, and will, surprise you.
Monday, July 23, 2012
The Independence Amplification
Recently, one fine Saturday morning, I was getting ready for a good friend's bridal shower. It was a warm morning, and I had left my patio door open to get a nice breeze through my place. I stepped out of the shower, wrapped up in a towel and went to grab some clothes.
It was at that point that I realized something was off. There was a magpie in my apartment. It was flopping around, squawking and pooping everywhere. What a casual observer would have seen was me calmly wait until it settled down, pick up one of my kitchen towels, walk over and use it to grab the bird and take it outside where I flung it over the balcony and it flew away.
My mental processes, however, went something like "What the HELL! Why don't I have a man here to handle this! I should be calmly getting ready lovely bridal shower, not running around my apartment naked, trying to capture a frickin' bird!"
Life Lesson: Sometimes life asks us to stand up and prove ourselves, be it in the face of adversity, turmoil, or sometimes random birds.
It was at that point that I realized something was off. There was a magpie in my apartment. It was flopping around, squawking and pooping everywhere. What a casual observer would have seen was me calmly wait until it settled down, pick up one of my kitchen towels, walk over and use it to grab the bird and take it outside where I flung it over the balcony and it flew away.
My mental processes, however, went something like "What the HELL! Why don't I have a man here to handle this! I should be calmly getting ready lovely bridal shower, not running around my apartment naked, trying to capture a frickin' bird!"
Life Lesson: Sometimes life asks us to stand up and prove ourselves, be it in the face of adversity, turmoil, or sometimes random birds.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The Perception Deviation
A couple of years ago my parents moved out to the Island. There were a couple of months between when they moved out there an when I was planning on visiting them, and during that time we phoned each other regularly.
Every time I spoke with my mom, she was telling me about all the great things I just had to see and do when I went out there, all the places we had to eat at. And, she was supper excited about the fresh fish, particularly a new type she had seen advertised but never tried, the inat fish. Apparently, there was a sign my parents drove by regularly that advertised what fish would be for sale when the boats came in and inat was always listed, and it was only five dollars a pound.
That summer I finally made it out to the Island. The second day I was there we drove by the fish sign I had heard so much about, and there it was, inat. Only when I looked at the sign, I didn't see what my mom saw. Instead of inat fish for sale for five dollars, I read it as "In At 5:00". The famous inat fish for five dollars, was actually the time the boats would be in at, in this case 5:00 o'clock.
Life Lesson: Not everyone sees things the same way.
Every time I spoke with my mom, she was telling me about all the great things I just had to see and do when I went out there, all the places we had to eat at. And, she was supper excited about the fresh fish, particularly a new type she had seen advertised but never tried, the inat fish. Apparently, there was a sign my parents drove by regularly that advertised what fish would be for sale when the boats came in and inat was always listed, and it was only five dollars a pound.
That summer I finally made it out to the Island. The second day I was there we drove by the fish sign I had heard so much about, and there it was, inat. Only when I looked at the sign, I didn't see what my mom saw. Instead of inat fish for sale for five dollars, I read it as "In At 5:00". The famous inat fish for five dollars, was actually the time the boats would be in at, in this case 5:00 o'clock.
Life Lesson: Not everyone sees things the same way.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
The Wonder Woman Catalyst
This week, an amazing woman, Alyson Woloshyn, lost her three year battle with brain cancer. Alyson has always been a force to be reckoned with. She had more spirit, drive, and positive energy than anyone I have ever know.
The strongest memory I have of Alyson is a number of years ago when she was running U of C 101 and I was a Student Leader. During 101 training, Alyson taught us the five basic principles of leadership:
Take the initiative to make things better
Lead by example
Maintain the self-respect and self-esteem of others
Build constructive relationships
Focus on the problem/question/situation at hand, not the person
She told us all that we needed to memorize those, that she would quiz us on them when we were least expecting it.We all laughed this off.
Two weeks later, I was walking down the hall near the 101 office when all of a sudden Alyson jumped out from behind a trash can and demanded to know what the five basic principles of leadership were. Somehow, in my stunned state, I got them out. That wasn't the last time if happened.
Beyond randomly scaring the bejeezus out of me and making me learn the basic principles of leadership, Alyson was my mentor at University. She helped me realize that even though I was quiet by nature, that didn't mean I wasn't strong. It didn't mean I couldn't lead and help others. With her support, I grew as a leader, finding my voice and becoming less afraid to use it. During U of C 101 I was One-oh-Wonderful Woman, and nickname that stuck, and was later shortened to Wonder Woman among my family, friends, students and colleagues.
Seeing myself as Wonder Woman, and knowing that others see me that way, I feel stronger, more capable of taking on the world. I want to use all that I have to make things better and help those around me.
Alyson taught me that we are all stronger than we think we are, and that we are all capable of greatness if we are will to let go of fear and really shine.
Thank you, Alyson.
Life lesson: You don't know what you are capable of until you try.
To learn more about Alyson, check out: http://alysonwoloshyn.com/
The strongest memory I have of Alyson is a number of years ago when she was running U of C 101 and I was a Student Leader. During 101 training, Alyson taught us the five basic principles of leadership:
Take the initiative to make things better
Lead by example
Maintain the self-respect and self-esteem of others
Build constructive relationships
Focus on the problem/question/situation at hand, not the person
She told us all that we needed to memorize those, that she would quiz us on them when we were least expecting it.We all laughed this off.
Two weeks later, I was walking down the hall near the 101 office when all of a sudden Alyson jumped out from behind a trash can and demanded to know what the five basic principles of leadership were. Somehow, in my stunned state, I got them out. That wasn't the last time if happened.
Beyond randomly scaring the bejeezus out of me and making me learn the basic principles of leadership, Alyson was my mentor at University. She helped me realize that even though I was quiet by nature, that didn't mean I wasn't strong. It didn't mean I couldn't lead and help others. With her support, I grew as a leader, finding my voice and becoming less afraid to use it. During U of C 101 I was One-oh-Wonderful Woman, and nickname that stuck, and was later shortened to Wonder Woman among my family, friends, students and colleagues.
Seeing myself as Wonder Woman, and knowing that others see me that way, I feel stronger, more capable of taking on the world. I want to use all that I have to make things better and help those around me.
Alyson taught me that we are all stronger than we think we are, and that we are all capable of greatness if we are will to let go of fear and really shine.
Thank you, Alyson.
Life lesson: You don't know what you are capable of until you try.
To learn more about Alyson, check out: http://alysonwoloshyn.com/
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Spherical Horse Assumption
I believe that you can truly call yourself a physics teacher when you have uttered the phrase "Assume a spherical horse". Or spherical cow, or spherical chicken. Any spherical farm creature, really. Why would you say that? In physics, we make assumptions to make the problems we are solving easier. The problem is, the assumptions often limit the results. Its like that joke where a farm can't get his chickens to lay eggs, so he hires a physicist to figure things out. Later, the physicist comes to him and says "I have a solution to your problem, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum",
Turns out, we make the same sort of assumptions in life, too.
I made the assumption that my friends knew me better than I know myself, and that they would be better suited to picking out my ideal mate than I was. How did that go? Well, keep in mind that these are five separate occasions, involving four different friends.
#1. She swears she has the perfect guy for me: smart, funny, talented, artistic. Sounds great, right? She invites us both to a get-together. He shows up with the girl he was dating. Turns out she forgot to check if he was single.
#2. Different friend this time. She sets me up with a guy she met in Salsa class. Nice guy, not unattractive, and hopelessly and obviously head-over-heels for my friend. They got married a few years ago. I was maid of honor at the wedding.
#3. Having found her Mr. Right, this same friend decided to try again. She swears she has it right this time. Everything I could ever want in a guy. And it was true. It just happened that he was also gay.
#4. Another friend told me she knew just the guy for me. Absolutely everything I was looking for. A good friend of hers, someone she could always depend on. We went out once. A week later she started dating him. It lasted over two years.
#5. One of my guy friends wanted to set me up with one of his friends. Nice guy, a little shy, but really smart and sensitive. Met him, got an odd vibe, didn't see him again. What happened to him? He's currently going through a sex change.
So my assumption, or spherical horse if you will, that my friends would be the ones to find my Mr. Right was dead wrong.
Life Lesson: Question the assumptions you make. Don't let them limit your outcomes.
Turns out, we make the same sort of assumptions in life, too.
I made the assumption that my friends knew me better than I know myself, and that they would be better suited to picking out my ideal mate than I was. How did that go? Well, keep in mind that these are five separate occasions, involving four different friends.
#1. She swears she has the perfect guy for me: smart, funny, talented, artistic. Sounds great, right? She invites us both to a get-together. He shows up with the girl he was dating. Turns out she forgot to check if he was single.
#2. Different friend this time. She sets me up with a guy she met in Salsa class. Nice guy, not unattractive, and hopelessly and obviously head-over-heels for my friend. They got married a few years ago. I was maid of honor at the wedding.
#3. Having found her Mr. Right, this same friend decided to try again. She swears she has it right this time. Everything I could ever want in a guy. And it was true. It just happened that he was also gay.
#4. Another friend told me she knew just the guy for me. Absolutely everything I was looking for. A good friend of hers, someone she could always depend on. We went out once. A week later she started dating him. It lasted over two years.
#5. One of my guy friends wanted to set me up with one of his friends. Nice guy, a little shy, but really smart and sensitive. Met him, got an odd vibe, didn't see him again. What happened to him? He's currently going through a sex change.
So my assumption, or spherical horse if you will, that my friends would be the ones to find my Mr. Right was dead wrong.
Life Lesson: Question the assumptions you make. Don't let them limit your outcomes.
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Old Lady Redux
Further proof that you don't have to lose your spunk as an old lady!
A while ago, my younger brother was working at Shoppers. One day, he was stocking the milk coolers. Now, these aren't the up-right coolers. These are the long low ones that you have to bend way over to grab the milk from, especially if its running low. This time, the coolers were practically empty, so Adam had to reach all the way to the back to fill them. Just has he leaned over, milk jug in each hand, an old lady came up behind him, got a two-hand hold on his butt and said "Mmmm, I'd like to get some of that in my kitchen!". He looked behind him, thinking it was his fiance, who worked at the same store, and the old girl just smiled back and walked away.
Life Lesson: Getting older doesn't mean slowing down in the slightest!
A while ago, my younger brother was working at Shoppers. One day, he was stocking the milk coolers. Now, these aren't the up-right coolers. These are the long low ones that you have to bend way over to grab the milk from, especially if its running low. This time, the coolers were practically empty, so Adam had to reach all the way to the back to fill them. Just has he leaned over, milk jug in each hand, an old lady came up behind him, got a two-hand hold on his butt and said "Mmmm, I'd like to get some of that in my kitchen!". He looked behind him, thinking it was his fiance, who worked at the same store, and the old girl just smiled back and walked away.
Life Lesson: Getting older doesn't mean slowing down in the slightest!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Old Lady Approximation
More than a decade and a half ago, I was lucky enough to meet Heloise. She was in her late eighties at the time, and as fiesty as anything.
One day, she accidentally locked herself out of her house. Noticing that one of the upstiars windows was partially open, she went and got a ladder, put it up against the side of the house and started climbing up. About this time, a police car drove by. Noticing an elderly lady climbing up a ladder, they stopped, and one of the officers called out "Hey Lady, what are you doing?". Not missing a beat, Heloise yelled "What do you think I'm doing, I'm eloping!" and proceeded to climb up and in the window.
Another time, Heloise was walking out of the grocery store, carrying bags of groceries, and a teenage boy ran by, knocking into her and almost knocking her over. Heloise dropped the bags she was carrying, grabbed the kid by the scruff of his neck, and gave him a boot in the rear, saying "You need to respect your elders!"
Life Lesson: Growing older does not mean losing your spunk.
One day, she accidentally locked herself out of her house. Noticing that one of the upstiars windows was partially open, she went and got a ladder, put it up against the side of the house and started climbing up. About this time, a police car drove by. Noticing an elderly lady climbing up a ladder, they stopped, and one of the officers called out "Hey Lady, what are you doing?". Not missing a beat, Heloise yelled "What do you think I'm doing, I'm eloping!" and proceeded to climb up and in the window.
Another time, Heloise was walking out of the grocery store, carrying bags of groceries, and a teenage boy ran by, knocking into her and almost knocking her over. Heloise dropped the bags she was carrying, grabbed the kid by the scruff of his neck, and gave him a boot in the rear, saying "You need to respect your elders!"
Life Lesson: Growing older does not mean losing your spunk.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Conversion Solution
One day, after returning from a weekend in Edmonton, a student and I got into a discussion on how to get rid of people who come to your door, trying to convert you. How did we get onto this topic? Over the weekend, I had answered the door to my parent's place and, standing there, were two eager individuals, waiting to save my immortal soul. However, they took one look at me, excused themselves, and left. Why, you may ask? It may have had something to do with the fact that I was wearing a shirt that read "Evil Mutant Science Teacher."
So, back at school, I was telling my students this story, expressing my pleasure in how effective the shirt was for warding off unwanted evangelizers. That's when Anne proposed another method for getting rid of them: using the Force. Simple enough. "You don't want to convert me. You want to go convert someone else." (Obi Wan voice and hand actions included, of course).
My next suggestion was to keep a physics textbook next to the door and before they got going say "Wait! First, a reading from my bible. The book of Einstein, chapter 4, verse 2: And Einstein sayeth 'e=mc2'."
Anne then told me about her dad's preferred method: open the door, and before they can say anything you say "Did you know that God is a girl and his name is Eros? Well God is a girl and his name is Eros. Do you have faith? All is lost without faith. I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have faith!"
However, I will say that the prize for best way to handle door-to-door converters goes to Pamela, who, instead of turning them away, agrees to listen as long as they do her housework. Well played!
Life Lesson: There is always a beneficial solution to a problem. You just have to get a little creative.
So, back at school, I was telling my students this story, expressing my pleasure in how effective the shirt was for warding off unwanted evangelizers. That's when Anne proposed another method for getting rid of them: using the Force. Simple enough. "You don't want to convert me. You want to go convert someone else." (Obi Wan voice and hand actions included, of course).
My next suggestion was to keep a physics textbook next to the door and before they got going say "Wait! First, a reading from my bible. The book of Einstein, chapter 4, verse 2: And Einstein sayeth 'e=mc2'."
Anne then told me about her dad's preferred method: open the door, and before they can say anything you say "Did you know that God is a girl and his name is Eros? Well God is a girl and his name is Eros. Do you have faith? All is lost without faith. I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have faith!"
However, I will say that the prize for best way to handle door-to-door converters goes to Pamela, who, instead of turning them away, agrees to listen as long as they do her housework. Well played!
Life Lesson: There is always a beneficial solution to a problem. You just have to get a little creative.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Escape Hamster Variable
Part way through my first year of teaching, I acquired a hamster for my classroom. She had belonged to one of the foreign students who was with us for a few months, and when he left, she came to live at the school. Originally, her name was Ham. Thinking that wasn't all that original, I changed her name to Tantalum, after the element.
Well, who knew that naming a hamster would cause so much controversy. Ryan lead the great hamster name rebellion, actually getting the majority of the students in the school to sign a petition to change her name. He succeeded, but only to the point where we did change her name. His ultimate goal was to get her named Optimus Prime. Seeing that she was a she, I pointed out that her name would have to be Optima Prime. After an extensive vote, we ended up naming her Petri LeBonbon.
Now, I am convinced that Petri was Houdini in a past life. In the time I had her, she had three different cages, and managed to escape all of them. Her first cage was the traditional wire kind. It wasn't long before she learned how to pop the front latch on it, and was escaping regularly. After we realized what she was doing, we wired that hatch shut, and just used the top one. Well, didn't she go and learn how to scale the cage, use her back paws to pop the top latch, and then flip herself out. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it possible. That particular stunt earned Petri the nickname SpiderHamster. Once she learned how to open the top hatch, it was time for a new cage. This time, we got her a plastic one with pods and tubes for her to run around in.
Around this time, she went to live in the 1-2-3 classroom for a few days. One day, Julie (the teacher) came in an found one of the latched was popped open, and Petri was gone. Julie was so afraid that we would end up finding Petri's skeletal remains in one of the elementary classes that she came in over the weekend and spent hours moving everything around in the school, trying to find Petri. Eventually, Julie found her under a bookshelf in the Library, which it turned out was her favourite hiding spot (and the first one we checked whenever she escaped after that).
One of my favourite escapes happened one day while I was cleaning Petri's cage. Whenever I cleaned the cage, I was in the habit of putting Petri in her hamster ball to run around. The whole time she was in there, she would roll around the room (and hallway if I opened the door), banging into whatever was in her way. One day, as I was cleaning the cage, there was more banging than usual. And then suddenly, I noticed that the banging stopped. I looked over, and there was an open, and empty, hamster ball. Petri had managed to hit the hamster ball into the wall so hard, the lid had popped off. That was the end of unsupervised hamster ball time.
Petri got her third home as a result of one of her unfinished escape attempts. Because we had become so diligent about making sure every latch was secure, Petri had started tunnelling out of her cage. Seriously. I discovered this one day when I was cleaning it, and realized that she had chewed through the plastic. She had done so much chewing, that when I went to put the cage back together, several of the connections collapsed. Her third cage actually outlasted her. She passed away over the summer holidays two years ago.
When we came back to school in the fall, the kids were after me to get another hamster, and having the cage and supplies already, I agreed. This time we got a male hamster. Have you ever seen a male hamster? They have the freakiest external genitalia I have ever seen. Let me put it this way - if human males were proportioned the same way, hammer pants would never have gone out of style. I know I teach sex ed, but having to explain testicles to a grade 2 student is not something I enjoy doing. Naturally, if I every get another hamster, it is going to be female.
Anyway, our new hamster, D'Artagnon, must have escaped from Krypton or something. One week after we got him, he Superman-ed the bars on his cage, and escaped. Unfortunately, D'Artangon, and D'Artagnon 2.0 were not very long-lived (each survived only 3 weeks). However, each one managed to escape the cage no less than 5 times.
Life Lesson: Determination - everyone has it.
Well, who knew that naming a hamster would cause so much controversy. Ryan lead the great hamster name rebellion, actually getting the majority of the students in the school to sign a petition to change her name. He succeeded, but only to the point where we did change her name. His ultimate goal was to get her named Optimus Prime. Seeing that she was a she, I pointed out that her name would have to be Optima Prime. After an extensive vote, we ended up naming her Petri LeBonbon.
Now, I am convinced that Petri was Houdini in a past life. In the time I had her, she had three different cages, and managed to escape all of them. Her first cage was the traditional wire kind. It wasn't long before she learned how to pop the front latch on it, and was escaping regularly. After we realized what she was doing, we wired that hatch shut, and just used the top one. Well, didn't she go and learn how to scale the cage, use her back paws to pop the top latch, and then flip herself out. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it possible. That particular stunt earned Petri the nickname SpiderHamster. Once she learned how to open the top hatch, it was time for a new cage. This time, we got her a plastic one with pods and tubes for her to run around in.
Around this time, she went to live in the 1-2-3 classroom for a few days. One day, Julie (the teacher) came in an found one of the latched was popped open, and Petri was gone. Julie was so afraid that we would end up finding Petri's skeletal remains in one of the elementary classes that she came in over the weekend and spent hours moving everything around in the school, trying to find Petri. Eventually, Julie found her under a bookshelf in the Library, which it turned out was her favourite hiding spot (and the first one we checked whenever she escaped after that).
One of my favourite escapes happened one day while I was cleaning Petri's cage. Whenever I cleaned the cage, I was in the habit of putting Petri in her hamster ball to run around. The whole time she was in there, she would roll around the room (and hallway if I opened the door), banging into whatever was in her way. One day, as I was cleaning the cage, there was more banging than usual. And then suddenly, I noticed that the banging stopped. I looked over, and there was an open, and empty, hamster ball. Petri had managed to hit the hamster ball into the wall so hard, the lid had popped off. That was the end of unsupervised hamster ball time.
Petri got her third home as a result of one of her unfinished escape attempts. Because we had become so diligent about making sure every latch was secure, Petri had started tunnelling out of her cage. Seriously. I discovered this one day when I was cleaning it, and realized that she had chewed through the plastic. She had done so much chewing, that when I went to put the cage back together, several of the connections collapsed. Her third cage actually outlasted her. She passed away over the summer holidays two years ago.
When we came back to school in the fall, the kids were after me to get another hamster, and having the cage and supplies already, I agreed. This time we got a male hamster. Have you ever seen a male hamster? They have the freakiest external genitalia I have ever seen. Let me put it this way - if human males were proportioned the same way, hammer pants would never have gone out of style. I know I teach sex ed, but having to explain testicles to a grade 2 student is not something I enjoy doing. Naturally, if I every get another hamster, it is going to be female.
Anyway, our new hamster, D'Artagnon, must have escaped from Krypton or something. One week after we got him, he Superman-ed the bars on his cage, and escaped. Unfortunately, D'Artangon, and D'Artagnon 2.0 were not very long-lived (each survived only 3 weeks). However, each one managed to escape the cage no less than 5 times.
Life Lesson: Determination - everyone has it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Cat Herding Hypothesis
Teaching teenagers is like herding cats. A lot of the time, it seems impossible, but there is always something happening that makes it worthwhile. Lucky for me, I get a lot of those worthwhile moments. And a lot of these have resulted in great quotes from my students.
Sean is always a font of wonderful insanity. One of his best came one day when he was trying a new kind of tea I had brought in. He had a sip, looked at me and said "Tara, this tea smells like a rich hot chocolate and tastes like beautiful." A while later, during a game of Periodic Table Hangman, Sean and Rachel were sitting on chairs, side by side. Well, Rachel was sitting; Sean was sprawling, and his legs were taking up a lot of room. All of a sudden, all I heard was "You're tickling my toe with your butt!" A few weeks after that, Sean was working on a Math question in my room. He had the problem written up on the board, turned to me and said "I should make the angles sin30 and cos30 and really screw over the equation."
While Sean's comments are always funny, Teddie has had some of the best ones, completely inadvertently. For example:
About The Ring:
"Is that the one where the TV takes a leak?"
When she was instructing another student:
"Look at be being all smart and like!"
On how she learns:
"I learn like I paint a fence: Its kind of random and sporadic, but it all gets done eventually!"
Life Lesson: Even though something may be challenging, there is always something that makes it worthwhile.
Sean is always a font of wonderful insanity. One of his best came one day when he was trying a new kind of tea I had brought in. He had a sip, looked at me and said "Tara, this tea smells like a rich hot chocolate and tastes like beautiful." A while later, during a game of Periodic Table Hangman, Sean and Rachel were sitting on chairs, side by side. Well, Rachel was sitting; Sean was sprawling, and his legs were taking up a lot of room. All of a sudden, all I heard was "You're tickling my toe with your butt!" A few weeks after that, Sean was working on a Math question in my room. He had the problem written up on the board, turned to me and said "I should make the angles sin30 and cos30 and really screw over the equation."
While Sean's comments are always funny, Teddie has had some of the best ones, completely inadvertently. For example:
About The Ring:
"Is that the one where the TV takes a leak?"
When she was instructing another student:
"Look at be being all smart and like!"
On how she learns:
"I learn like I paint a fence: Its kind of random and sporadic, but it all gets done eventually!"
Life Lesson: Even though something may be challenging, there is always something that makes it worthwhile.
Friday, February 3, 2012
The Injured Wrist Assumption
About a week ago, I burnt my wrist while making a cup of tea. A foolish accident, really. I was reaching to unplug the kettle and my wrist ended up getting hit with a jet of steam. I tried to do the first-aid thing myself, but when the injury is on your dominant hand, it's not the easiest thing to do. I ended up calling my friend, Claudina. who was was kind enough to come over and help me wrap my wrist up.
Freshly bandaged, I headed off for dance class, where I was greeted with a chorus of "What happened?", "Are you alright", and, most commonly, "Is that a baking injury?" Now, I know that I bake a lot. And I know that the people in my dance class often benefited from that baking. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that that is the first thing people thought of when they saw my injury.
The only person who didn't immediately assume it was a baking injury was one of my dance instructors, David. Just so you understand his comment, you need to know that the previous evening, I had arrived at dance a bit early, and, having been crocheting a hat on the train on the way to dance, I took it out and continued to work on it. David saw me doing this and asked me a few things about what I was doing, and that was that. So, when he saw my bandaged wrist he asked "Is that a knitting injury?". Okay, I get that a lot of people confuse knitting and crocheting, and had I actually been knitting there is a remote possibility that I could have accidentally stabbed my wrist with a particularly sharp knitting needle. But, given that I was crocheting and the chances of injuring one's self with a crochet hook are virtually nonexistent, the next words out of my mouth were "What do you think this is, yarn burn?"
Life Lesson: People will always make assumptions about a situation based on what little they know about you.
Freshly bandaged, I headed off for dance class, where I was greeted with a chorus of "What happened?", "Are you alright", and, most commonly, "Is that a baking injury?" Now, I know that I bake a lot. And I know that the people in my dance class often benefited from that baking. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that that is the first thing people thought of when they saw my injury.
The only person who didn't immediately assume it was a baking injury was one of my dance instructors, David. Just so you understand his comment, you need to know that the previous evening, I had arrived at dance a bit early, and, having been crocheting a hat on the train on the way to dance, I took it out and continued to work on it. David saw me doing this and asked me a few things about what I was doing, and that was that. So, when he saw my bandaged wrist he asked "Is that a knitting injury?". Okay, I get that a lot of people confuse knitting and crocheting, and had I actually been knitting there is a remote possibility that I could have accidentally stabbed my wrist with a particularly sharp knitting needle. But, given that I was crocheting and the chances of injuring one's self with a crochet hook are virtually nonexistent, the next words out of my mouth were "What do you think this is, yarn burn?"
Life Lesson: People will always make assumptions about a situation based on what little they know about you.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Games Night Application
Growing up, "Games Night" was a regular thing in my family. Scrabble, Monopoly, Crib and Crokinole were brought out with great frequency. Even into adulthood, these games have been a regular part of family gatherings.
Crokinole has always been a source of great entertainment. Lets start with the fact that I have zero eye-hand coordination. Add to that how easy it is to make me laugh. Laughter + Bad Aim is guaranteed to equal Really Bad Aim. A couple of times, it has led to injuries. Nothing too serious, just, you know, pinging my brother between the eyes with one of the disks. But, it does mean that when we play doubles, no one wants to be my partner.
Scrabble is one of our family favourites. My mom and I have an ongoing marathon, which we pick up every time I visit. Scrabble has provided many, many fun memories. One of my favourites is from a couple of years ago when, after a few drinks, my brother, Adam, joined us for a game. After a few turns, Adam tried to spell the word "Shitted". Between fits of laughter, Mom and I tried to explain to him that "Shitted" is not a really word. "Sure it is," Adam argued, "I shitted on the lawn." It took a while longer, but we finally managed to convince him that he wasn't allowed to spell it. Another time the validity of a word came into question was when my one of my friends was playing with us. Now, this friend is funny, sweet, totally awesome, and gay. When he played what was definitely not a real word, we told him he couldn't play it. His response was "You won't let me play that word because I'm a homo!". My mom looked at him, completely straight-faced, and said "Sweetie, I don't care that you're a homo. You can't play that word."
Last year, I took my love of games and brought it to the school I work at. I started a Scrabble Ladder. Basically, students and staff signed up and were randomly put into a ladder where they could challenge anyone up to three spots above them to a match. The whole goal was to play your way up to the top of the ladder. It was more popular than I expected - students as young as grade 2 were signing up and challenging older students, and even teachers. Some of the younger students were so into it, they insisted that we run it again this year. One of the grade 4 boys was particularly vehement in his insistence. Last year, in grade 3, he had managed to play his was to second on the ladder and was unable to defeat me (though he definitely tried). This year he was more determined than ever to beat me - over the summer he made his mom go out and by a Scrabble board so that he could practice (and this Christmas he got a Scrabble Dictionary in his stocking; it is one of him most prized possessions). So, after a few weeks of play, he had made it to the number one spot, and I made it to number 2. I challenged him, won, and was instantly challenged by him. Our game was set for the following week. That meant that for the next week, every time he saw me in the hall, he would look up at me and say with all seriousness "Tara, I'm taking you down!". After five days of this, I knew I had to say something. So, next time he said "Tara, I'm taking you down!" I looked at him and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown". Not missing a beat, he looked up at me and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown, and to London, and to Edmonton!" Down to Edmonton - you know that's serious.
Life Lesson: Make time for games night. It gives you a great way to connect with people, be it your family, friends, or students.
Crokinole has always been a source of great entertainment. Lets start with the fact that I have zero eye-hand coordination. Add to that how easy it is to make me laugh. Laughter + Bad Aim is guaranteed to equal Really Bad Aim. A couple of times, it has led to injuries. Nothing too serious, just, you know, pinging my brother between the eyes with one of the disks. But, it does mean that when we play doubles, no one wants to be my partner.
Scrabble is one of our family favourites. My mom and I have an ongoing marathon, which we pick up every time I visit. Scrabble has provided many, many fun memories. One of my favourites is from a couple of years ago when, after a few drinks, my brother, Adam, joined us for a game. After a few turns, Adam tried to spell the word "Shitted". Between fits of laughter, Mom and I tried to explain to him that "Shitted" is not a really word. "Sure it is," Adam argued, "I shitted on the lawn." It took a while longer, but we finally managed to convince him that he wasn't allowed to spell it. Another time the validity of a word came into question was when my one of my friends was playing with us. Now, this friend is funny, sweet, totally awesome, and gay. When he played what was definitely not a real word, we told him he couldn't play it. His response was "You won't let me play that word because I'm a homo!". My mom looked at him, completely straight-faced, and said "Sweetie, I don't care that you're a homo. You can't play that word."
Last year, I took my love of games and brought it to the school I work at. I started a Scrabble Ladder. Basically, students and staff signed up and were randomly put into a ladder where they could challenge anyone up to three spots above them to a match. The whole goal was to play your way up to the top of the ladder. It was more popular than I expected - students as young as grade 2 were signing up and challenging older students, and even teachers. Some of the younger students were so into it, they insisted that we run it again this year. One of the grade 4 boys was particularly vehement in his insistence. Last year, in grade 3, he had managed to play his was to second on the ladder and was unable to defeat me (though he definitely tried). This year he was more determined than ever to beat me - over the summer he made his mom go out and by a Scrabble board so that he could practice (and this Christmas he got a Scrabble Dictionary in his stocking; it is one of him most prized possessions). So, after a few weeks of play, he had made it to the number one spot, and I made it to number 2. I challenged him, won, and was instantly challenged by him. Our game was set for the following week. That meant that for the next week, every time he saw me in the hall, he would look up at me and say with all seriousness "Tara, I'm taking you down!". After five days of this, I knew I had to say something. So, next time he said "Tara, I'm taking you down!" I looked at him and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown". Not missing a beat, he looked up at me and said "I'm taking you down to Chinatown, and to London, and to Edmonton!" Down to Edmonton - you know that's serious.
Life Lesson: Make time for games night. It gives you a great way to connect with people, be it your family, friends, or students.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Shower Song Renormalization
I got some pretty cool things for Christmas this year - a goat donated in my honor to a family in Africa (I fondly think of him as Phil), plenty of gift cards, a painting, and unique things like personalized dishcloths and a separator plate. But two things stand out above all that. My periodic table shower curtain, and my loofa ducky.
Now, I have a history of singing in the shower. I sing in the key of off, so I am quite thankful that my bathroom is central in my apartment, not sharing a wall with either of my neighbors. Normally, I'd sing fun songs - something from Broadway, or Disney maybe. However, the shower singing has decreased over the last few months, probably due to lack of time in the mornings. But, ever since I started using my new shower curtain and loofa, I've had some new songs to sing.
My loofa ducky is a long loofa - the kind designed for washing your back, with strings attached to either end - and has a plush duck head on one end, and the feet on the other end. It is absolutely adorable and the second I saw it, I was reminded of the Rubber Ducky song. Naturally, I had to alter it a bit to work with my loofa ducky, but every morning, guaranteed, as I scrub my back I sing "Loofa Ducky, you're the one! You make showers so much fun! Loofa Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you!".
If you watch The Big Bang Theory, it is likely you are familiar with a periodic table shower curtain. I have the same one. I also have a tendency to sing the periodic table. It started back in university, when I had four hour chem labs with nothing to do but watch a burrett drip. I'm not sure where the tune came from, but one day I just started singing the elements in order. And then, to spice it up, I added jazz hands at the end of each phrase. When I started teaching, I sang the song to some of my students to try and get them interested in chemistry (or at least see that they could have some fun with it). Ryan and Anne decided to come up with their own song, but have never actually made it past Boron, largely do to the fact that they dissolve into laughter at that point. They chose Carol of the Bells as their tune: One, hydrogen, two, helium, three lithium, four, beryllium, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-Boron. Normally it was somewhere during the "ha's" that the real laughing started. It probably didn't help much that when Ryan sang it, he would sing in either a really high or ridiculously low voice. So now, when I'm showering, I'll start off with my song - I can do up to silver from memory - and if I need a good laugh, I try to sing Anne and Ryan's song.
Life Lesson: Let the things around you inspire you, whether it is to go back to doing something you enjoy (like singing in the shower), or to try something new.
Now, I have a history of singing in the shower. I sing in the key of off, so I am quite thankful that my bathroom is central in my apartment, not sharing a wall with either of my neighbors. Normally, I'd sing fun songs - something from Broadway, or Disney maybe. However, the shower singing has decreased over the last few months, probably due to lack of time in the mornings. But, ever since I started using my new shower curtain and loofa, I've had some new songs to sing.
My loofa ducky is a long loofa - the kind designed for washing your back, with strings attached to either end - and has a plush duck head on one end, and the feet on the other end. It is absolutely adorable and the second I saw it, I was reminded of the Rubber Ducky song. Naturally, I had to alter it a bit to work with my loofa ducky, but every morning, guaranteed, as I scrub my back I sing "Loofa Ducky, you're the one! You make showers so much fun! Loofa Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you!".
If you watch The Big Bang Theory, it is likely you are familiar with a periodic table shower curtain. I have the same one. I also have a tendency to sing the periodic table. It started back in university, when I had four hour chem labs with nothing to do but watch a burrett drip. I'm not sure where the tune came from, but one day I just started singing the elements in order. And then, to spice it up, I added jazz hands at the end of each phrase. When I started teaching, I sang the song to some of my students to try and get them interested in chemistry (or at least see that they could have some fun with it). Ryan and Anne decided to come up with their own song, but have never actually made it past Boron, largely do to the fact that they dissolve into laughter at that point. They chose Carol of the Bells as their tune: One, hydrogen, two, helium, three lithium, four, beryllium, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-Boron. Normally it was somewhere during the "ha's" that the real laughing started. It probably didn't help much that when Ryan sang it, he would sing in either a really high or ridiculously low voice. So now, when I'm showering, I'll start off with my song - I can do up to silver from memory - and if I need a good laugh, I try to sing Anne and Ryan's song.
Life Lesson: Let the things around you inspire you, whether it is to go back to doing something you enjoy (like singing in the shower), or to try something new.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)